In Which I Become A Music Critic

I wouldn’t presume to review an album I hadn’t even heard yet . I’m not that ‘educated’ (or that stupid). However, I do consider myself to have a relatively wide taste in music, and having played flute, trumpet, and percussion from elementary school through college, I consider that I have had enough experience to not only know what I like, but to also have enough experience to know what sounds good and what doesn’t. Thusly, (thank you Bucky Katt ). I am going to expound upon a few things that bother me, which I think the music world should not only read, but immediately implement upon finishing the last sentence. Because I am a consumer, and what I say matters, so there.

1) Although, as a general populous Americans may seem stupid, and television shows and personal interactions may tend to confirm this, this does not mean that we also want our music to be stupid. If I can predict the end point of every single line of your song, then I don’t want to listen to it. I do not want to listen to something that I could have written, because then I would be the singer/songwriter/rockstar and you would be the environmental scientist (or working at your local fast food joint. Your pick). Most Christian worship songs are good (or bad) examples of this. Although there are some better ones out there (‘Grace like Rain’) comes to mind. But mainstream music has plenty as well, mostly in the pop genre, which I try to avoid.

2) This may be picky, but don’t make the lyrics particularly annoying. For instance, I am a fan of Feist in general. But the lyrics to “1234” bother me. Every single time. I mean, “One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, and ten/Money can't buy you back the love that you had then” What happened to seven and eight? Does she have a personal vendetta against those numbers? Or was it just that they didn’t fit in with the melody? Either way, I want to somehow squeeze them in whenever I hear that song.

3) Don’t just sing the same lyrics over and over because you ran out of things to say. Unless you are Radiohead , and it’s somehow being used to make a point. Or, in the case of Sons and Daughters (Decemberists) and it’s part of a very successful, very melodic round.

4) This may be forgiven in some instances, if you can get me to forget the lyrics in view of the music. For instance, and I have a hunch it’s the overwhelming baseline, but Finger Eleven’s Paralyzer does this. Even though they repeat the chorus over and over….

5) Call me picky, but not only do I want interesting lyrics, I also want interesting music. If the music is only playing the same melody line as that sung by the lyricist, then I am b-o-r-e-d. Put in a syncopation, a rhythm section, something. For instance, in 15-Step (Radiohead, In Rainbows), the song key signature is 5 (1-2-3-4-5), not the typical 4-time (1-2-3-4) of almost every other rock/pop song played today. Count it, conduct it (if you truly are a nerd, like me), it is. Amaze your friends (or not, if you don’t want them to call you a nerd. Unless they, too, were in marching band. In which case, they may be impressed).

So, I’m done ranting and raving now. Time for all you people in the music industry to go out there and change things. Simon says.