Microphobia R Us

Once upon a time I worked as a Teaching Assistant, teaching Intro to Biology Labs. One of the labs that we did with the students was to provide them agar plates (used to grow bacteria and molds). They divided it into four quadrants. We gave them 4 toothpicks, which they rubbed on any surface they wanted, and then rubbed each toothpick on a quadrant. The next week they came back to see what “grew” in each quadrant. Gross and true: the bottom of your shoe is usually cleaner than a doorknob. Good intro to Microbiology. So this lab was really good at the visual effect, and grossing students out (also, never, ever, ever eat anything off a lab bench, no matter how well you think you cleaned or disinfected it. I don’t care about the 5-second rule. It does not apply in the laboratory.). But it stopped there. I mean, it didn’t explain anything about hand-washing (getting the microbes off your hands before they get to your mouth – most infections get to you through the oral route you know). It also failed to discuss the immune system, and how exposure to microbes is how you build immunological memory and antibodies. Without exposure, you have none of that. And really, we are exposed to billions and billions of those things every single day. It’s not until we see it on that agar plate that we are grossed out.



We have become this microbophobic society. We have antimicrobial handwash, babywipes, soaps, spray, lotion, bugspray, dishsoap, pesticides, etc. We have automatic flush toilets, automatic sinks, automatic towel dispensers, automatic hand dryers, automatic soap dispensers. Okay, so who cares that we are wasting water, one of our most important resources? Personally, I do not need my bum washed while I am on the can. Also, everyone uses their foot to flush normal toilets anyway, so why not just do what everyone is already doing, and make them foot-flush toilets? It would save on water, and we wouldn’t have to worry about getting wet bums. And there’s got to be a better way to engineer sinks. Some of the ones with the long handles allow you to turn them on and off with your elbows. That, at least, makes elbows useful for something else besides hitting your sister (and hey, if she gets a few extra germs, why do you care?). Automatic hand dryers I generally avoid, unless they are those Xcelerator dryers that are super-turbo charged, to the point where they actually move your skin around and dry your hands in something like 3.5 seconds. I am fascinated by them something unnatural. But automatic soap dispensers just scare me. First of all, they are just weird. Secondly, they all make some kind of growling noise that must reach back deep into the depths and recall something primal inside of me that says, “RUN, something is trying to eat you!” Because that is what I feel like doing. Also, if there is anything in the bathroom that you should be able to touch, I would think it would be the soap dispenser, right?

There’s got to be a better solution. I propose that we take some of the engineers who work on baby stuff (have you seen some of the stuff they make? The Pack-n-Play? I mean, this stuff is amazing) and set them to work. These people are brilliant. Of course, we can't take all of them; we wouldn’t want the kids to suffer. But just a few of their minds would at least improve the situation I think.